It’s every businessperson’s nightmare. In 2015, 1684 businesses went bankrupt in Quebec. My company was one of them. After 27 years of fanning it into life, growing it and leading it, I had to lead my beloved business into bankruptcy.
So, what happens when your worst fear materializes?
For one thing, I lost my livelihood - my life's work, my dreams for the future. I felt a huge sense of shock and dislocation as I was severed from all the things that made my world go 'round. I missed the people who had surrounded me day in and day out - my business partners, employees, clients, and suppliers. Like many founders, my identity was all wrapped up in my company, and I loved the work I did. I had felt such a strong sense of purpose in it. My heart ached with the loss of it all, and I felt so much shame and sadness.
It's taken years for me to write about this. Why was it so hard? After all, I had experienced success in my business for many years - more than 25! And then… failure. What stuck to me was the failure, of course. Like so many of us - no matter how many good things come our way or how much we have achieved, the bad things have a way of standing out, and we end up defining ourselves by them.
After the bankruptcy, and in the worst moments of facing my new reality, kind friends and family counselled me to 'take the things you are best at doing and love doing best and use them to re-create a life and work for yourself.' The problem is that it's really hard to see those things clearly and create a new life when you feel such a monumental sense of failure. For 27 years I was an entrepreneur celebrated for my vision and courage, and the beautiful and innovative business I had built from nothing. But when it crashed it felt like the ultimate fulfillment of the imposter syndrome – where every challenge you've met and success you've had is just luck and not achievement.
But now - so many years later, grief has taken its course and seems to be mostly done with me. I've finally grown tired of being ashamed. I learned so much in the course of growing a business from the bottom up - it was like doing a few MBAs (at least). I know from experience what it takes to build a company from a home-based side gig to a significant presence in an international market. I know how to foster a healthy organizational culture and lead people effectively and with care. I know how important it is to work with everyone in your industry, collaborators and competitors alike, to create a wave of positive change. And I have firsthand knowledge of how hard a woman sometimes has to fight to be respected in the world of business.
One of our Montreal stores
What was bittersweet was that in many ways the company was in the best shape ever before this happened. We were organized and looking ahead with an excellent product line, great new products, lots of good solid plans and strategies, and really good relationships with suppliers, funders, clients, etc. But due to a nasty collision of complex variables - we were unable to climb out of a deepening crisis in time to survive.
What would have saved us? I think there were many things I could have done to prevent disaster, but it's hard to find a creative solution when you are afraid and backed against the wall. I was overwhelmed by stress and the multitude of issues facing me from every side. I could not think or see things clearly anymore. In addition, I was distracted by a family drama that took the wind out of my sails. When one of my kids went off the rails and got into deep trouble, I lost a lot of confidence in myself as a parent - and as a leader.
As a result, I found myself out of alignment with the powerful intuition and good sense that had fueled my family life and work for so many years. I allowed some bad decisions to be made by others, and I made some bad decisions myself. Even when I had misgivings, I chose to distrust them - because I was disappointed in and distrusted myself. I hired experts to help us recover and listened to all the people around me. But I seemed to have lost my own voice.
What I wish now that I had then, was someone to help me come back into myself so that I could use everything I had learned to try and implement the solutions we needed. The expert consultants did not help - they never really had; I realize - ever. The big corporate accounting firms, the H-R consultant, the turnaround guy, etc. None of them had ever helped the business to move ahead or in the end to survive. In all my years of being in business, I had found only a couple advisors who were really helpful.
Had I either confidence, or the help to regain my confidence in the years before the business crashed, I may have been able to turn it around. I had such a strong belief in what we were doing and how, and we had so much momentum. But help came too late, and it was the wrong kind of help. Experts often have a very narrow view and understanding of what your business is. They have a role to play, but you are the expert in your business.
I believe that leaders of all kinds need coaches BEFORE they seek out the experts. A good coach will help leaders see both their strengths and their blind spots, inspire them to understand their challenges, what they are missing, and what they need to equip themselves with in terms of expertise, resources, people, money, and so on. A coach helps us find the solutions we already have to our dilemmas. In my case, although I was not the only problem in my business, I know that as the leader of the organization, my muddled state was a huge risk. I needed someone who could help me see clearly what I needed to know in order to pull us up out of the crash. I needed someone to help me reconnect with that powerful intuition and confidence that had fueled the growth of the company for so many years.
My focus now is on giving others what I most wanted in my own time of need - helping people see things for themselves, perceive and develop the solutions they already have to their own dilemmas, and shift what they need to in order to move ahead in their lives and work. I have come to see that this help - coaching - is one of the most powerful tools there is for sustainable change. Over and over again I have seen how shifts in mindset through coaching can be life-altering for individuals and their organizations, exactly because the wisdom and the insight comes from within them.
As the 18th century Rebbe Kostker said, there is nothing as whole as a broken heart. And with this broken heart and from its wholeness, I have finally said these words aloud and I release myself from them: I went bankrupt - I failed. But I am whole and well and moving forward.
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